The Thank You Note

He wrote to me. It was a thank you note. So cold. So formal. So distant. Like an ice cycle had been driven through my heart, turning it into a gaping wound, bleeding uncontrollably.

It was as though I was hemorrhaging internally. Blood filling the cavity that is my body. I was drowning in my own blood as it began to seep out of my mouth, ears, eyes, and nostrils.

It was as though we had no past. As though there was nothing between us but air. I see now that I feel so differently than he does. I loved him so much, that I set him free. He was unhappy with me. I loved him enough to let him go, give him what he wanted, even though it would cause me great pain. And it did. It does. But for him, it seems, there is no pain.

It is as though I was never a part of his life. As though I never existed for him. As though I had no impact on him. And this is something that is nearly impossible for me to reconcile. My mind cannot understand it and my heart does not want to accept it. He made such a difference in my life. Why did I not make a difference in his? This is something that I will have to accept, even though I will never understand. I know now that there will be no closure. I will need to create my own. Just as I did the time before.

Once, he thought I was telling him that I never wanted to have contact with him again. His response was that he was sad, but that he understood. That was all. That was all he said. All he felt. All he seemed to care.

I have started to feel as though I have no value. If someone can stamp me out of their life so quickly and easily, then I must not be much of anything. But I know this is not true. Others have loved me as I have loved them. This does not mean I have no value. I do not have to hemorrhage. I do not have to drown because my love is not reciprocated.

But I know I am naive. I have to remember this the next time around. I have to learn to not give my heart away so quickly. There are lessons to be learned.

But I can determine my own value. I can decide who I let into my life. I can say “when”.