Rain
I love the rain because it assures me that nature is alive and real. It shows me that God is present.
Shiny Penny
I have to say it aloud. I have to write it because I have to accept it. It hurts to admit. I miss him. I miss him more than I thought I did. More than I was willing to admit to myself. It hurts to know it. And it hurts to know that he doesn’t feel the same. It hurts to accept that someone you love and loved, has not felt the loss of you. Has not missed you.
It hurts to know that you loved someone so much more than they loved you. I’ve done it twice now. Loved more. Perhaps loved too much. But this time around, I was trying to stay aware. I was trying to not let it happen again. Not get sucked in. I was swept off my feet instead.
Even now, I love him, but it isn’t returned. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I begin to wonder why he didn’t love me the same way. And I wonder how he was able to stop it so easily. But I know the answer.
I was the new shiny penny. Or maybe the life raft. Maybe I was both. He said he had never met anyone like me. He told me that he loved me and that he trusted me more than almost anyone. Sometimes he even said he trusted me more than anyone in his life.
He needed something new. Something to take him from there to here. I was that something. He used me, although I believe he did not do it maliciously. But I don’t believe he ever loved me. I think he only thought he did. I am certain that he loved the idea of me.
The new shiny penny. I was an entire new species to him. He was amazed. He needed me to get out. He couldn’t do it alone. But now he can. He got what he needed.
He is no longer in need of a raft and I have lost my shine. No longer new, I am just currency.
For me, love is like a fountain. Unable to turn it off. No control over its flow. But then again, I love easily. I love a great deal. I have to wonder why I would love someone who so clearly doesn’t love me in return. Why would I want such a person in my life? It isn’t pretty.
I loved him enough to set him free. To unshackle him. To let him fly. Such an excruciating yet loving act. Deep, deep down, I knew he no longer loved me. I think he did not even like me very much. It is hard to accept. It’s hard to learn that someone you love does not even like you. That they started out loving you, but as they get to know you, start to dislike you. It is heartbreaking.
My second worse fear came true. If someone sees or knows the real me, then they will leave. The good news is, it has happened. There is freedom from fear in that knowledge.
This is twice now. Rejection. By the only two men I’ve loved. I gave everything I had to both. But it was either not enough or too much. Whichever it was, in the end, it doesn’t matter.
But I must take responsibility for my role. I was not a victim. I did things that made him not like me, not love me. I am aware of most all of these things. The sting comes from him being just as flawed, but I loved him anyway.
This is my perception. Through a kaleidoscopic filter of feelings, experiences, past hurts, losses, fears, worries, and insecurities. No emotion is pure. Nothing is fully clear. I only have my own truth. I do not know his.
I have never experienced this kind of rejection. I do not plan to experience it ever again. Now I am aware. More aware than I have ever been. I will never experience it again because it will never come my way. I had my lesson. I learned. Bittersweet, but necessary. Ugly, but true.
But I know that everything will be OK. I believe this with all my heart. Love will come again.
But this time, it will be different. This time, it will be returned. And this time, I will revel in it. Because this time, I will not be the only one to recognize its preciousness, its rarity, and its power.
It hurts to know that you loved someone so much more than they loved you. I’ve done it twice now. Loved more. Perhaps loved too much. But this time around, I was trying to stay aware. I was trying to not let it happen again. Not get sucked in. I was swept off my feet instead.
Even now, I love him, but it isn’t returned. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I begin to wonder why he didn’t love me the same way. And I wonder how he was able to stop it so easily. But I know the answer.
I was the new shiny penny. Or maybe the life raft. Maybe I was both. He said he had never met anyone like me. He told me that he loved me and that he trusted me more than almost anyone. Sometimes he even said he trusted me more than anyone in his life.
He needed something new. Something to take him from there to here. I was that something. He used me, although I believe he did not do it maliciously. But I don’t believe he ever loved me. I think he only thought he did. I am certain that he loved the idea of me.
The new shiny penny. I was an entire new species to him. He was amazed. He needed me to get out. He couldn’t do it alone. But now he can. He got what he needed.
He is no longer in need of a raft and I have lost my shine. No longer new, I am just currency.
For me, love is like a fountain. Unable to turn it off. No control over its flow. But then again, I love easily. I love a great deal. I have to wonder why I would love someone who so clearly doesn’t love me in return. Why would I want such a person in my life? It isn’t pretty.
I loved him enough to set him free. To unshackle him. To let him fly. Such an excruciating yet loving act. Deep, deep down, I knew he no longer loved me. I think he did not even like me very much. It is hard to accept. It’s hard to learn that someone you love does not even like you. That they started out loving you, but as they get to know you, start to dislike you. It is heartbreaking.
My second worse fear came true. If someone sees or knows the real me, then they will leave. The good news is, it has happened. There is freedom from fear in that knowledge.
This is twice now. Rejection. By the only two men I’ve loved. I gave everything I had to both. But it was either not enough or too much. Whichever it was, in the end, it doesn’t matter.
But I must take responsibility for my role. I was not a victim. I did things that made him not like me, not love me. I am aware of most all of these things. The sting comes from him being just as flawed, but I loved him anyway.
This is my perception. Through a kaleidoscopic filter of feelings, experiences, past hurts, losses, fears, worries, and insecurities. No emotion is pure. Nothing is fully clear. I only have my own truth. I do not know his.
I have never experienced this kind of rejection. I do not plan to experience it ever again. Now I am aware. More aware than I have ever been. I will never experience it again because it will never come my way. I had my lesson. I learned. Bittersweet, but necessary. Ugly, but true.
But I know that everything will be OK. I believe this with all my heart. Love will come again.
But this time, it will be different. This time, it will be returned. And this time, I will revel in it. Because this time, I will not be the only one to recognize its preciousness, its rarity, and its power.
Courage
It takes courage to love. It takes courage to face your fears. It takes courage to change. It takes courage to resist changing the things we have no control over. It takes courage to accept our limitations and to embrace our talents.
It takes courage to see the flaws in ourselves and to love ourselves in spite of it. And yet even more courage to change them. It takes courage to take ourselves on. It takes courage to see what our loved ones see. To listen to what they are telling us and then to see it in ourselves. And it takes courage to pay attention to it all, but also to trust that it is for our own good.
It is scary and terrifying and lonely to face ourselves. It feels like we are the only ones in the world that feel the way we do because we don’t know why we feel the way we do. Why we do what we do.
It takes courage to be alone. And it takes courage to be with someone. It takes courage to risk and courage to have faith. It takes courage to step out of our skin, to move away from our self imposed safety blankets and venture further out of ourselves.
The world can seem so scary, cold and lonely. We all need someone. But it takes courage to realize and know that we can’t get through it all alone. We need each other and it takes strength and courage to accept this because it’s so hard to trust. Harder than we realize until we are truly tested.
It is so hard to trust ourselves, how could we easily trust another?
It takes courage to see this. To believe this. To accept this.
We say we don’t want to be alone, but when we realize what it takes to be with someone else, we lose our courage. We become so afraid of so many, many things. Fear of losing them, fear of being hurt, fear of things that have nothing to do with them, but with our pasts. Being with them forces our pasts to rise to the surface. It takes so much courage to stay with someone. The right someone.
If you have the courage, you will let them show you what you don’t want to see, whether they mean to or not. If we are alone, there is no one to show us anything we do not want to see. It takes courage to acknowledge this and keep moving forward. One step at a time.
It takes courage to let someone in and to let them see us. But it takes even more courage to see ourselves. For me, this is the hardest. To see myself for who I am, good and bad, to not feel sorry for myself, and to reach deep down inside of myself and find the strength to change.
It takes courage to love unselfishly, to not constantly fear that someone will take us from ourselves. It takes courage to create a line between the “me” and “we”. It is a constant struggle. It easier to get lost in someone else so that we do not have to deal with ourselves. And it is easier to keep someone at arm’s length so we don’t have to see ourselves.
But we are not meant to go through life alone. We are meant to love and be loved. We are meant to grow and to help others grow as well. It is only through others that we can connect to the world around us and to ourselves. It is others that show us who we are and help us become who we want to be. So we have to reach out, venture out, and take the leap. Because if we don’t, we do not change, we do not grow. We remain stagnate. We become closed off. We don’t give of ourselves. We don’t share ourselves.
We receive less and less in life because we give less of ourselves. And suddenly we see ourselves in the same place over and over again. We miss the gifts that life offers us because we are so focused on NOT letting things out. We are locked down. We want to protect ourselves. We are all so scared. But it will not prevent us from pain and sadness and change. We will experience it all regardless. It’s the one thing we can be sure of. The one thing we have no control over. But we do have control over balancing out our lives with joy and love.
And this, this takes the most courage of all.
It takes courage to see the flaws in ourselves and to love ourselves in spite of it. And yet even more courage to change them. It takes courage to take ourselves on. It takes courage to see what our loved ones see. To listen to what they are telling us and then to see it in ourselves. And it takes courage to pay attention to it all, but also to trust that it is for our own good.
It is scary and terrifying and lonely to face ourselves. It feels like we are the only ones in the world that feel the way we do because we don’t know why we feel the way we do. Why we do what we do.
It takes courage to be alone. And it takes courage to be with someone. It takes courage to risk and courage to have faith. It takes courage to step out of our skin, to move away from our self imposed safety blankets and venture further out of ourselves.
The world can seem so scary, cold and lonely. We all need someone. But it takes courage to realize and know that we can’t get through it all alone. We need each other and it takes strength and courage to accept this because it’s so hard to trust. Harder than we realize until we are truly tested.
It is so hard to trust ourselves, how could we easily trust another?
It takes courage to see this. To believe this. To accept this.
We say we don’t want to be alone, but when we realize what it takes to be with someone else, we lose our courage. We become so afraid of so many, many things. Fear of losing them, fear of being hurt, fear of things that have nothing to do with them, but with our pasts. Being with them forces our pasts to rise to the surface. It takes so much courage to stay with someone. The right someone.
If you have the courage, you will let them show you what you don’t want to see, whether they mean to or not. If we are alone, there is no one to show us anything we do not want to see. It takes courage to acknowledge this and keep moving forward. One step at a time.
It takes courage to let someone in and to let them see us. But it takes even more courage to see ourselves. For me, this is the hardest. To see myself for who I am, good and bad, to not feel sorry for myself, and to reach deep down inside of myself and find the strength to change.
It takes courage to love unselfishly, to not constantly fear that someone will take us from ourselves. It takes courage to create a line between the “me” and “we”. It is a constant struggle. It easier to get lost in someone else so that we do not have to deal with ourselves. And it is easier to keep someone at arm’s length so we don’t have to see ourselves.
But we are not meant to go through life alone. We are meant to love and be loved. We are meant to grow and to help others grow as well. It is only through others that we can connect to the world around us and to ourselves. It is others that show us who we are and help us become who we want to be. So we have to reach out, venture out, and take the leap. Because if we don’t, we do not change, we do not grow. We remain stagnate. We become closed off. We don’t give of ourselves. We don’t share ourselves.
We receive less and less in life because we give less of ourselves. And suddenly we see ourselves in the same place over and over again. We miss the gifts that life offers us because we are so focused on NOT letting things out. We are locked down. We want to protect ourselves. We are all so scared. But it will not prevent us from pain and sadness and change. We will experience it all regardless. It’s the one thing we can be sure of. The one thing we have no control over. But we do have control over balancing out our lives with joy and love.
And this, this takes the most courage of all.
The Thank You Note
He wrote to me. It was a thank you note. So cold. So formal. So distant. Like an ice cycle had been driven through my heart, turning it into a gaping wound, bleeding uncontrollably.
It was as though I was hemorrhaging internally. Blood filling the cavity that is my body. I was drowning in my own blood as it began to seep out of my mouth, ears, eyes, and nostrils.
It was as though we had no past. As though there was nothing between us but air. I see now that I feel so differently than he does. I loved him so much, that I set him free. He was unhappy with me. I loved him enough to let him go, give him what he wanted, even though it would cause me great pain. And it did. It does. But for him, it seems, there is no pain.
It is as though I was never a part of his life. As though I never existed for him. As though I had no impact on him. And this is something that is nearly impossible for me to reconcile. My mind cannot understand it and my heart does not want to accept it. He made such a difference in my life. Why did I not make a difference in his? This is something that I will have to accept, even though I will never understand. I know now that there will be no closure. I will need to create my own. Just as I did the time before.
Once, he thought I was telling him that I never wanted to have contact with him again. His response was that he was sad, but that he understood. That was all. That was all he said. All he felt. All he seemed to care.
I have started to feel as though I have no value. If someone can stamp me out of their life so quickly and easily, then I must not be much of anything. But I know this is not true. Others have loved me as I have loved them. This does not mean I have no value. I do not have to hemorrhage. I do not have to drown because my love is not reciprocated.
But I know I am naive. I have to remember this the next time around. I have to learn to not give my heart away so quickly. There are lessons to be learned.
But I can determine my own value. I can decide who I let into my life. I can say “when”.
It was as though I was hemorrhaging internally. Blood filling the cavity that is my body. I was drowning in my own blood as it began to seep out of my mouth, ears, eyes, and nostrils.
It was as though we had no past. As though there was nothing between us but air. I see now that I feel so differently than he does. I loved him so much, that I set him free. He was unhappy with me. I loved him enough to let him go, give him what he wanted, even though it would cause me great pain. And it did. It does. But for him, it seems, there is no pain.
It is as though I was never a part of his life. As though I never existed for him. As though I had no impact on him. And this is something that is nearly impossible for me to reconcile. My mind cannot understand it and my heart does not want to accept it. He made such a difference in my life. Why did I not make a difference in his? This is something that I will have to accept, even though I will never understand. I know now that there will be no closure. I will need to create my own. Just as I did the time before.
Once, he thought I was telling him that I never wanted to have contact with him again. His response was that he was sad, but that he understood. That was all. That was all he said. All he felt. All he seemed to care.
I have started to feel as though I have no value. If someone can stamp me out of their life so quickly and easily, then I must not be much of anything. But I know this is not true. Others have loved me as I have loved them. This does not mean I have no value. I do not have to hemorrhage. I do not have to drown because my love is not reciprocated.
But I know I am naive. I have to remember this the next time around. I have to learn to not give my heart away so quickly. There are lessons to be learned.
But I can determine my own value. I can decide who I let into my life. I can say “when”.
Love Defined
I have realized that so many of us have different definitions and ideas about love. For me, love is showing your true colors and allowing your loved one to show theirs. It is accepting flaws and beauty. It is patience and fairness. It is the recognition of something extraordinary and the appreciation and understanding that it doesn’t happen every day. It is being afraid, but knowing you are not alone. It is putting yourself in their shoes when you can't quite understand where they are coming from.
It is knowing that there is always someone out there that loves you and is on your side. Someone you can count on, not matter what.
Love is revealing everything about yourself, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you may be and allowing the same for them, without judgment.
It is trusting them and feeling safe, but also working your way back when you find that you don’t. They are still the person you want to spend time with above any other. They are the one with whom you want to share all the little, unimportant things with that you know only they will appreciate or get. And they are the one that can understand you, when no one else can.
Love is never leading you astray and always remaining honest and true. Always telling you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not, because it is the best thing for you. And you know you can count on your true love to give you what you need.
And with all that, they can still make your heart flutter, your knees go weak, your pulse quicken, and be the one you find yourself watching across a crowded room.
Love can drive you crazy. It can make you angry and make you sad. It can confuse you, bend your mind, and drive you mad. It can make you do things you never thought you would or could do. But in the end, I will always love love.
It is knowing that there is always someone out there that loves you and is on your side. Someone you can count on, not matter what.
Love is revealing everything about yourself, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you may be and allowing the same for them, without judgment.
It is trusting them and feeling safe, but also working your way back when you find that you don’t. They are still the person you want to spend time with above any other. They are the one with whom you want to share all the little, unimportant things with that you know only they will appreciate or get. And they are the one that can understand you, when no one else can.
Love is never leading you astray and always remaining honest and true. Always telling you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not, because it is the best thing for you. And you know you can count on your true love to give you what you need.
And with all that, they can still make your heart flutter, your knees go weak, your pulse quicken, and be the one you find yourself watching across a crowded room.
Love can drive you crazy. It can make you angry and make you sad. It can confuse you, bend your mind, and drive you mad. It can make you do things you never thought you would or could do. But in the end, I will always love love.
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