Shiny Penny

I have to say it aloud. I have to write it because I have to accept it. It hurts to admit. I miss him. I miss him more than I thought I did. More than I was willing to admit to myself. It hurts to know it. And it hurts to know that he doesn’t feel the same. It hurts to accept that someone you love and loved, has not felt the loss of you. Has not missed you.

It hurts to know that you loved someone so much more than they loved you. I’ve done it twice now. Loved more. Perhaps loved too much. But this time around, I was trying to stay aware. I was trying to not let it happen again. Not get sucked in. I was swept off my feet instead.

Even now, I love him, but it isn’t returned. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I begin to wonder why he didn’t love me the same way. And I wonder how he was able to stop it so easily. But I know the answer.

I was the new shiny penny. Or maybe the life raft. Maybe I was both. He said he had never met anyone like me. He told me that he loved me and that he trusted me more than almost anyone. Sometimes he even said he trusted me more than anyone in his life.

He needed something new. Something to take him from there to here. I was that something. He used me, although I believe he did not do it maliciously. But I don’t believe he ever loved me. I think he only thought he did. I am certain that he loved the idea of me.

The new shiny penny. I was an entire new species to him. He was amazed. He needed me to get out. He couldn’t do it alone. But now he can. He got what he needed.

He is no longer in need of a raft and I have lost my shine. No longer new, I am just currency.

For me, love is like a fountain. Unable to turn it off. No control over its flow. But then again, I love easily. I love a great deal. I have to wonder why I would love someone who so clearly doesn’t love me in return. Why would I want such a person in my life? It isn’t pretty.

I loved him enough to set him free. To unshackle him. To let him fly. Such an excruciating yet loving act. Deep, deep down, I knew he no longer loved me. I think he did not even like me very much. It is hard to accept. It’s hard to learn that someone you love does not even like you. That they started out loving you, but as they get to know you, start to dislike you. It is heartbreaking.

My second worse fear came true. If someone sees or knows the real me, then they will leave. The good news is, it has happened. There is freedom from fear in that knowledge.

This is twice now. Rejection. By the only two men I’ve loved. I gave everything I had to both. But it was either not enough or too much. Whichever it was, in the end, it doesn’t matter.

But I must take responsibility for my role. I was not a victim. I did things that made him not like me, not love me. I am aware of most all of these things. The sting comes from him being just as flawed, but I loved him anyway.

This is my perception. Through a kaleidoscopic filter of feelings, experiences, past hurts, losses, fears, worries, and insecurities. No emotion is pure. Nothing is fully clear. I only have my own truth. I do not know his.

I have never experienced this kind of rejection. I do not plan to experience it ever again. Now I am aware. More aware than I have ever been. I will never experience it again because it will never come my way. I had my lesson. I learned. Bittersweet, but necessary. Ugly, but true.

But I know that everything will be OK. I believe this with all my heart. Love will come again.

But this time, it will be different. This time, it will be returned. And this time, I will revel in it. Because this time, I will not be the only one to recognize its preciousness, its rarity, and its power.