The Source of Life

I stand, facing forward with a tree behind my left shoulder. I cannot see in front of me, only behind me. I am on a hill top, but I cannot see beyond the hill. Next to the tree stands a boy and he is holding a branch from the tree. He wants to die. Not because he is in pain, but because he wants to go back to the source from which he was created. He is the son of Brahma and Brahma is the source of all life.

Brahma appears and when he does, his son turns into a mist and dissolves into the belly of Brahma, the source of all living things.

Brahma exhales and suddenly there is life all around me. I can see birds and mountains and green grass and leaves on the tree. I still cannot see in front of me. I can only see out of the left corner of my eye. I can hear the sound of a river, birds singing and the wind blowing. I can feel life all around and it is buoyant. I see blooms on the tree and colors fill the world. Fragrance of jasmine and magnolia fill my nostrils. Birds fly over to me and rest on my arms and shoulders.

Brahma sits and meditates under the tree. It is so big and full and safe. At first it was just small and dead branches. Now its trunk has grown and its branches provide protection. I am sad and happy at the same time. I lie down and close my eyes and listen to the wind, feel the breeze, hear the birds. I can feel the grass swaying in the wind. Water is rushing through a stream somewhere close. I turn and see the stream is right next to me.

I roll over on one side and rest my head on my hand and stare at Brahma who is in deep meditation. I crawl over to him and nuzzle up to him and he holds me. Ganesh arrives and sits with us. Then Shiva. I am surrounded on three sides, but there is a hole in the circle. I must fill it.

I crawl away from Brahma and sit in the fourth place and we are now under the tree in a circle. I begin to cry. I am sad. I look at their faces for answers, but they have none. They stare back at me blankly. And as I cry they begin to cry as well. I feel like they share my pain and can understand it. I crawl into the center and they close around me in a tight triangle. They lay their hands on me while I cry. I scream and ask for them to help me, but they tell me all they can do is give me compassion and show me my own strength. I look at Brahma and crawl into his belly and bring Ganesh and Shiva with me.

Suddenly I fly out of Brahma’s mouth as a pink bird. I am smiling and feel free. I fly around until I see the Jason on the raft that Ganesh and I built for him to be sent to the ocean. I land on it and begin pecking at him. He comes to life.

He is angry and I tell him it’s me. That we have options and like he chose death, I chose to be a pink bird. He tells me he made the wrong decision. He could never see what was in front of him and that is why he made so many mistakes. I become human and tell him that he is weak and he agrees. He says I made it all look so easy, but that he loved me the best way he knew how. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. But that nothing was enough.

I tell him that I love him and I hate him and he says that I should. He understands why I would feel that way. I tell him I want to hear that he loves me, for some reason I need that. He tells me he truly does and did in the only way he could. I ask him to hold me and he does. He tells me he has to go. He lies back down on the raft and is dead again.

I turn into a pink bird again and fly away, back to the tree where Brahma sits, waiting. I sit on his shoulder and cry because I feel lonely and then I am human again. Brahma never speaks. I am afraid to crawl back into his belly for some reason. And yet I want to at the same time. I resist. Everything seems lonely, but I do it anyway. I am there with Brahma Putra who tells me I am safe and I can stay with him as long as I like. I tell him I am lonely and restless. I don’t know what to do or where to go and he tells me to do nothing and go nowhere. To just rest and be. I nuzzle up to him and fall asleep. I am finally safe.