This may be hard for you to read, to take in, or to feel, but that’s ok. You may not believe me. You may not agree. You may not even understand. And that’s ok too. But this is something that I am as sure of as the sky is blue.
The love that you see you in me? The giving, loving, generous and kind heart that you tell me I have? That is you. It is a reflection of you. You run so deeply, you have so much love to give, but it scares you. You don’t want to let it out, give it away or let anyone else have it because the one person that you gave it to, the person that you allowed it to flow freely with, died. He left you all alone and it hurt so badly, you never wanted to feel that way ever again. You never wanted to feel that kind of pain. So you locked down, you covered it up. You buried the love and the pain all at the same time.
But when you met me, you saw something familiar. There was a connection because we are alike. I have had the same kind of pain and hurt, but I was forced to face it head on. I had buried mine. Deep down inside of me I put my love and my pain in a place where even I couldn’t find it. But then, something happened. I met a person that was so loving. So tender, and so kind, it opened me up.
Slowly, so very, very slowly, the love I had buried started to bubble to the surface and then came spewing out. I did what I could to control it because I felt that I was losing myself. It was as if the more love I felt, the less I knew who I was and it scared me so much. So it ebbed and flowed. I fought it. And then I would lose. When I felt that love and it was returned, it was so scary, I hated it. And then I would reel it back in again, afraid that I was losing myself. Afraid that I was losing control.
And then he died. And when he left, I felt such immeasurable pain, that I too wanted to die. I did not want to live without him. I could not survive without him. And along with all of that pain that came up from the place I hidden from myself, came all the love as well. All at the same time. And I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried for myself and my loss from the past and the present. I cried for my own pain and my fear and my loneliness. I cried for him because he left the world in so much pain. And I just kept crying until I couldn’t cry anymore. And then I felt nothing. I felt dead inside. I became numb. And then I became scared. Scared to ever have to feel that kind of pain again. And I spent a long time being scared. So afraid and so alone. And I did things that were self destructive all the while struggling to maintain control and fight the pain. And then one day, something unexpected and extraordinary happened. I met this person. So unique, so odd, so new, so different, so safe, so scary, so caring, so loving, so much of everything wonderful. And that person was you.
I was terrified. I was so afraid of being hurt again. I was positive that I could not love and I was even more positive that I could not survive the pain of losing that love. And so again, I fought and fought and fought, but it came out, I couldn’t stop it. All this love along with all my fears. I tried to keep them at bay, but they wouldn’t stay away. So I let my fears take over, let them feed my imagination so I wouldn’t have to feel love. But it fought me and lost many, many times. And then one day I found myself not only in love with you, but full of love for you. And I could feel yours for me. It was so rich and full and strong. Not just romantic love. It was deeper. But my love was out of control as it grew and grew and grew. And it saw you. It saw your pain. It saw your flaws. It saw all of your love that deep and thick and cool and wide like a river, but it was underground. In a dark, cool cave. And above that cave, was heat and fire and red all around. And the more I loved you, the less I was able to find that river. The less I was allowed to swim in its coolness and feel its rush over my body. Fewer and fewer times was I let in. But more and more I could feel the fire and see the red, until I wasn’t allowed to see the river at all. And then I lost you.
And I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried until I was sick. And then I cried more because I loved you so much and you could not love me back. Not the way I wanted you to. Not the way I knew that you could. And it the pain was unbearable. I did not think I could do it again. I did not want to do it again, but I had no choice but to feel. You had brought it all back up for me and there was no turning back for me.
But I realized that I didn’t want to turn back. That I could survive the pain because I had done it before. I would do it again. And so I did. And it was awful. But it wasn’t forever. And it ebbed and flowed. The pain. And the love. But I decided that no longer would I try to control it. I had to let go. And as I did, I found more love coming into my life from all different and unexpected directions. And so I went with it. I let it in. and my heart stayed open. It didn’t shut down. I didn’t break. I did not die. I survived and still felt love.
And so for you, I still feel this love. And I feel it from you too. And I didn’t lose you. You lost you. But I still see you. I know where you are. I have stood back and watched. And from my viewpoint, I see you so clearly. I see who you are and who you are fighting not to be. I see what you are so afraid of and why you are so confused. I know what you want, even though you do not. And I know what you need, even though you may not like it. But it is not my place to say. You have not asked for my help.
And so I watch you as you move through your life, as best you know how, trying to navigate through a world filled with emotion and feeling and not quite knowing how to handle it all and being so overwhelmed. Fighting to keep that deep, cool river as far below as possible so that no one can see it, no one can swim in it and enjoy it. Not even you. It is too scary, that river. So much so that you don’t even want to acknowledge its existence. You prefer the heat and the fire. You know it can protect you. You know it can keep everything and everyone at bay. It is safe.
If ever you need some light to help you find your way, I am here. If ever you feel safe enough to, you can ask. It does not need to be complicated. It does not need to be any more or any less than exactly what you have asked for. Because as much as love can clutter and muddle and confuse us all, it can also be that driving force that gives us clarity and generosity of light to help those we deeply care about.
